Review: When People Are Big and God Is Small by Edward Welch
Edward Welch’s book When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man is an insightful, convicting, and thoroughly biblical treatment of a problem that affects every person and is of particular relevance for pastors and other Christians who are regularly involved in spiritual counseling. Welch does an excellent job of debunking many common unbiblical ideas about so-called “psychological issues” using a biblical perspective and showing that at the root of all self-esteem issues and relational difficulties lies one common problem: sin.
Welch describes a common issue that manifests itself in many ways, but generally involves a feeling of a lack of personal or relational fulfillment, a craving of love and attention from other people, and profound emotional trauma that results from rejection or stress in relationships. The common thread is that people affected by this problem—often called “codependency” or sometimes “peer pressure”—are all controlled by other people in their lives and emotions.
The example of “Janet” is typical of the more profound manifestations of this problem that usually cause someone to seek counseling for their problems. Janet, abused by her father and brother as a child, continued as an adult to suffer wildly fluctuating emotions towards them. Sometimes she craved the loving, dependent relationship she never had with them as a child, but sometimes she hated them and wished for them to suffer for their actions against her. Regardless, her father and brother continue to have a tremendous amount of influence over Janet’s life. Most counselors would diagnose Janet’s problem as emotional and psychological scarring from the abuse and lack of love she experienced as a child.
Welch, however, uses biblical insight to form a different, and more incisive, diagnosis. Janet’s problem, and that of others like her, is sin in her own heart that is magnified and exacerbated by sin and temptation the world around her—specifically, sin that the Bible calls the “fear of man.” This is, essentially, a form of idolatry wherein other humans are greater in our estimation than God and more profoundly impact our lives than He does.
My initial reaction to Welch’s description of the fear of man was to deny that it plays a role in my life, or at least not a serious one. After all, my story is nothing like Janet’s. I don’t have a problem with low “self-esteem.” I’m not dependent on other people. I know the love of Christ, and I don’t need love or affirmation from anyone else to feel complete. I couldn’t maintain this attitude for more than a few pages of the book, however.
One of the most helpful and insightful things about this book is Welch’s keen demonstration that the fear of man is a problem that is universal in scope. Indeed, failing to fear the Lord properly has been at the root of humanity’s sinful condition since Adam’s initial transgression in the Garden. The Scriptures are full of exhortations to fear the Lord, and equally full of condemnation and penalties for those who do not. Proverbs especially has much to say on this matter: the fear of the Lord is “the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10), it is “a fountain of life” (Pr. 14:27), it is better than charm and beauty (Pr. 31:30), and it keeps a man safe when the fear of man proves to be a snare (Pr. 29:25). The Israelites were repeatedly warned and disciplined by God because they forgot the fear of the Lord, did evil in His sight, and turned to the worship of false gods.
This reveals the nature of the fear of man: it is a deficiency of worship. When others rise in our estimation to the point that they control our lives and we are more concerned with what they think than with pleasing God, we are failing to give God his proper place in our lives—failing to worship Him as we ought. This is nothing less than rebellion against God. Those who suffer from “codependency” are often treated as victims by psychologists who attempt to treat them, and they are given the impression that their problems are the result of wrongs visited upon them, not of things they themselves have done. Welch’s analysis shows that in most cases the opposite is in fact the case. Though part of Janet’s problem was a result of having been sinned against by her father and brother, the root problem was her own sinful failure to fear God as she should. Far from being a victim, the one who suffers from the fear of man is a rebel against his Creator and in need of forgiveness and redemption, not therapy. His problem is spiritual, not psychological.
The fear of man, I find, is not lacking in my own life. I am grateful for the conscience-provoking effect of Welch’s perceptive insights, as it has opened up a new area of self-examination and exposed a pattern of sin of which I hadn’t previously been perfectly aware. How often do I tell a little white lie or let the truth go unspoken, distorting reality to make myself look better or cover my own sin and shame? How often do I avoid interacting with brothers and sisters in Christ, fearing they might ask me uncomfortable questions about my hidden sins? How often do I dress, act, and speak with feeding my ego and gaining others’ esteem in mind, rather than glorifying God? All too often.
The most profound insight I received from Welch’s book—though he doesn’t dwell on it explicitly—is the absolute centrality of the gospel in human affairs. The impression Welch gives that there is no such category as psychological problems may be a bit simplistic, but he is right that dependence on others is more fundamentally a spiritual concern. Indeed, it but a symptom of the spiritual problem that all face: estrangement from God. The fear of man that Welch addresses is a good illustration of what Francis Schaeffer described as three alienations resulting from the Fall. Because man is alienated from God and rebels against Him, his relationship with others is distorted and he’s alienated from creation around him. Because the twisted relationship with other people can’t make up for the lack of communion with God, man is finally alienated from himself, feeling depressed, unfulfilled, and unable to have meaningful relationships.
If the diagnosis is sin, then the prescription is the Gospel. Only the redemption available through the person and work of Christ can set right the alienation Janet experiences. Only Christ can provide a way for us to learn to fear God rather than man. Only Jesus, who perfectly loved, reverenced, and worshiped his Father, can heal the emotional scars that the world, the flesh, and the devil inflict on us and cause us to delight in Him, the God who perfectly fills us.
For the Christian who still struggles with the fear of man, the prescription is still the same: Christ. I often make the mistake of trying to fear God with my own power, and because I still bear the taint of sin I always fail. Christians must remember that just as Christ creates, redeems, sustains, and will one day perfect us, he enables us to begin to fear God, he continues to grow us in the fear of God, and one day he will perfect us in that fear. To whatever extent we are able truly to fear God and rightly order our relationships with others, it is all of grace.
This book leaves me pondering two things: how the fear of man affects me in ways I haven’t yet discerned, and how I can grow in the fear of God and learn to love others. One answer to both, I am sure, is prayer. I pray that God will continue to convict me of how I make idols of others and let my desire for their approval make me fail to honor Him as I should. I pray, too, that He will continue to enlarge my desire to know and love and fear Him. I pray that He will give me a hunger for His word and shape me by showing me more of His holiness and majesty.
I consider how I can learn to love others more, as Welch points out, “Regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God.). The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more.” The way that immediately comes to mind, and perhaps the area in which I have been most negligent, is simply to point them to Christ and help them to dwell on the richness of the Gospel. When I need others, I want them to focus on me and make much of me. When I love them, I want them to focus on Christ and make much of Him. I can help my fellow Christians do this by asking them, in turn, to help me by asking me the hard, uncomfortable questions about my sin and joining with me in mutual discipling relationships. I can love others by serving them, helping to meet their needs and point them to Christ, the greatest servant of all.
Welch describes a common issue that manifests itself in many ways, but generally involves a feeling of a lack of personal or relational fulfillment, a craving of love and attention from other people, and profound emotional trauma that results from rejection or stress in relationships. The common thread is that people affected by this problem—often called “codependency” or sometimes “peer pressure”—are all controlled by other people in their lives and emotions.
The example of “Janet” is typical of the more profound manifestations of this problem that usually cause someone to seek counseling for their problems. Janet, abused by her father and brother as a child, continued as an adult to suffer wildly fluctuating emotions towards them. Sometimes she craved the loving, dependent relationship she never had with them as a child, but sometimes she hated them and wished for them to suffer for their actions against her. Regardless, her father and brother continue to have a tremendous amount of influence over Janet’s life. Most counselors would diagnose Janet’s problem as emotional and psychological scarring from the abuse and lack of love she experienced as a child.
Welch, however, uses biblical insight to form a different, and more incisive, diagnosis. Janet’s problem, and that of others like her, is sin in her own heart that is magnified and exacerbated by sin and temptation the world around her—specifically, sin that the Bible calls the “fear of man.” This is, essentially, a form of idolatry wherein other humans are greater in our estimation than God and more profoundly impact our lives than He does.
My initial reaction to Welch’s description of the fear of man was to deny that it plays a role in my life, or at least not a serious one. After all, my story is nothing like Janet’s. I don’t have a problem with low “self-esteem.” I’m not dependent on other people. I know the love of Christ, and I don’t need love or affirmation from anyone else to feel complete. I couldn’t maintain this attitude for more than a few pages of the book, however.
One of the most helpful and insightful things about this book is Welch’s keen demonstration that the fear of man is a problem that is universal in scope. Indeed, failing to fear the Lord properly has been at the root of humanity’s sinful condition since Adam’s initial transgression in the Garden. The Scriptures are full of exhortations to fear the Lord, and equally full of condemnation and penalties for those who do not. Proverbs especially has much to say on this matter: the fear of the Lord is “the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10), it is “a fountain of life” (Pr. 14:27), it is better than charm and beauty (Pr. 31:30), and it keeps a man safe when the fear of man proves to be a snare (Pr. 29:25). The Israelites were repeatedly warned and disciplined by God because they forgot the fear of the Lord, did evil in His sight, and turned to the worship of false gods.
This reveals the nature of the fear of man: it is a deficiency of worship. When others rise in our estimation to the point that they control our lives and we are more concerned with what they think than with pleasing God, we are failing to give God his proper place in our lives—failing to worship Him as we ought. This is nothing less than rebellion against God. Those who suffer from “codependency” are often treated as victims by psychologists who attempt to treat them, and they are given the impression that their problems are the result of wrongs visited upon them, not of things they themselves have done. Welch’s analysis shows that in most cases the opposite is in fact the case. Though part of Janet’s problem was a result of having been sinned against by her father and brother, the root problem was her own sinful failure to fear God as she should. Far from being a victim, the one who suffers from the fear of man is a rebel against his Creator and in need of forgiveness and redemption, not therapy. His problem is spiritual, not psychological.
The fear of man, I find, is not lacking in my own life. I am grateful for the conscience-provoking effect of Welch’s perceptive insights, as it has opened up a new area of self-examination and exposed a pattern of sin of which I hadn’t previously been perfectly aware. How often do I tell a little white lie or let the truth go unspoken, distorting reality to make myself look better or cover my own sin and shame? How often do I avoid interacting with brothers and sisters in Christ, fearing they might ask me uncomfortable questions about my hidden sins? How often do I dress, act, and speak with feeding my ego and gaining others’ esteem in mind, rather than glorifying God? All too often.
The most profound insight I received from Welch’s book—though he doesn’t dwell on it explicitly—is the absolute centrality of the gospel in human affairs. The impression Welch gives that there is no such category as psychological problems may be a bit simplistic, but he is right that dependence on others is more fundamentally a spiritual concern. Indeed, it but a symptom of the spiritual problem that all face: estrangement from God. The fear of man that Welch addresses is a good illustration of what Francis Schaeffer described as three alienations resulting from the Fall. Because man is alienated from God and rebels against Him, his relationship with others is distorted and he’s alienated from creation around him. Because the twisted relationship with other people can’t make up for the lack of communion with God, man is finally alienated from himself, feeling depressed, unfulfilled, and unable to have meaningful relationships.
If the diagnosis is sin, then the prescription is the Gospel. Only the redemption available through the person and work of Christ can set right the alienation Janet experiences. Only Christ can provide a way for us to learn to fear God rather than man. Only Jesus, who perfectly loved, reverenced, and worshiped his Father, can heal the emotional scars that the world, the flesh, and the devil inflict on us and cause us to delight in Him, the God who perfectly fills us.
For the Christian who still struggles with the fear of man, the prescription is still the same: Christ. I often make the mistake of trying to fear God with my own power, and because I still bear the taint of sin I always fail. Christians must remember that just as Christ creates, redeems, sustains, and will one day perfect us, he enables us to begin to fear God, he continues to grow us in the fear of God, and one day he will perfect us in that fear. To whatever extent we are able truly to fear God and rightly order our relationships with others, it is all of grace.
This book leaves me pondering two things: how the fear of man affects me in ways I haven’t yet discerned, and how I can grow in the fear of God and learn to love others. One answer to both, I am sure, is prayer. I pray that God will continue to convict me of how I make idols of others and let my desire for their approval make me fail to honor Him as I should. I pray, too, that He will continue to enlarge my desire to know and love and fear Him. I pray that He will give me a hunger for His word and shape me by showing me more of His holiness and majesty.
I consider how I can learn to love others more, as Welch points out, “Regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God.). The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more.” The way that immediately comes to mind, and perhaps the area in which I have been most negligent, is simply to point them to Christ and help them to dwell on the richness of the Gospel. When I need others, I want them to focus on me and make much of me. When I love them, I want them to focus on Christ and make much of Him. I can help my fellow Christians do this by asking them, in turn, to help me by asking me the hard, uncomfortable questions about my sin and joining with me in mutual discipling relationships. I can love others by serving them, helping to meet their needs and point them to Christ, the greatest servant of all.
posted by Jeff at 2:04 PM
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